We’ll always have 1BRUCE1.

I was way, way, super excited when I heard about Sweet Valley Confidential.

I mean really, what reason did I have to not be excited? I was a devout fan in my youth. Hell, I still buy all the books I can get my paws on when I go to the local used bookstore. And then I get angry when there aren’t any more. I just don’t understand why more people in my city haven’t sold their old Sweet Valley books so I can have them.

So I bought Sweet Valley Confidential as soon as I had the money to spare.

The premise of the story is a bit contrived, like any Sweet Valley premise: Elizabeth and Todd, the most established and boring couple in the history of YA lit, are all set to become Mr. and Mrs. Borington when Elizabeth discovers that Todd is actually in love with Jessica. Who, weirdly, loves him back. Upon finding out about this, Elizabeth gets hella pissed and moves across the country to NYC to pursue a career as a writer. At the start of the book, Elizabeth hasn’t spoken to Todd or, more importantly, Jessica in about eight months.

Disturbingly, the sentence “She cried after every orgasm” is written in reference to Elizabeth within the first 10 pages. I can honestly say I was slightly queasy at the realization that Elizabeth Wakefield was old enough to be having rebound-induced crygasms, but I quickly moved past this. The first chapter was pretty boring, and I wanted to get to the fun part.

SERIOUSLY. I’M WARNING YOU. Continue reading